Like a tree, it goes through seasons. There is a time of growth and change. It is green and full of life. The blooms and fruit come forth. It goes through range of reds, oranges, and yellows depending how close they are to the sun. All the leaves fall and die to make way for new growth.
With me, life has happened. I was employed for the midterm elections (early voting and election day) as a poll official which was an eye-opening experience.
Then, after that…I felt stuck. I felt depressed with the season I am currently in. As you know, I did not pass the Bar. At the beginning, I was positive and empowering myself that I will take it again and this won’t break me.
And then it broke me…
As I started studying again, my spirit felt damaged. I was doubting myself. I just felt stuck. Like God, I am right where I started earlier this year. I am an unemployed, postgraduate studying for the Bar again.
People I started with made it. And I didn’t make it.
I was depressed and my anxiety made me lower. I had to take a break from social media. And I just stopped blogging. My spirit was not in the right place to write inspirational posts. I don’t want to fake it. It would not be fair to my followers. I want to be as authentic as possible. So I just stopped…
I did not want to let you all down but I couldn’t go on. I had no inspiration or theme to post about. I wanted to find the peace that surpassed all understanding. I wanted to be content in this season. That this is not the end for me.
I am feeling better. I had to take my own advice: get back in the Word, pray, talk out my feelings, and keep positivity in my life. I am still going at studying for the Bar. I am still living and breathing by God’s grace. I still have purpose.
So my lesson in this struggle is simple: God will not let you go.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”-Joshua 1:9
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.-Isaiah 41:10
It always seems to me like God is watching this unfold but He is not. God knew this before the foundation of the world. He knew that I would not pass the Bar the first time around. He knew that I would be between states once again. He knew that I would need my family to get through this. He knew I would be serving on my church’s worship team. He knew it all.
I have to remind myself that I am not a failure. I’m not dumb. I am still meant to be an attorney. It’s just that my journey is not over. I will get there in His timing by His strength.
It’s just not my time now. I am still in the autumn stage with beautiful, bright, colorful yet dying leaves. But I know it will spring up into new blooms soon.
So with this season, I will not be posting blogs till Spring 2019 (i.e. after the Bar). I am focusing on Bar studies and myself for the time being. I hope you all understand. I love and appreciate you all for reading. Keep reading my old blogs. Send me a message, follow me on FB, and keep being inspired. God Bless.