It will be 11 years since I graduated high school. Yes, I am old but I still slay.
High school Bianca was a different girl. Just trying to fit in and get along with people. She would never be a blogger. She was kinda wise but was a good friend. She LOVED chorus!!! She was just trying to be better. She did struggle with confidence. She bottled up a lot of her hurts, insecurities, and skeletons. Her relationship with Christ was going to church and serving but still ached for something more. Yes, I did not go to the parties and social events without parental approval and supervision. I did not even get my license till after high school.She just wanted to be successful and seen as successful to all.
High school Bianca was down on herself too many times to count.
If I could talk to my high school senior self, here is what I would say.
Don’t be so hard on yourself.
You don’t need to be like everyone else to be successful. The popular high school kids won’t be popular forever.
You are on your own journey.
Talk about what hurts deep inside instead of letting it eat you up inside.
God will wreck your 10-year plan of success and put you on a completely different path. Be patient with yourself.
Please God and yourself before trying to please the world.
Be your blissful self. There is no need to fit someone’s mold.
These are ongoing lessons that I am reminding myself. I may not think like my high school senior self but I remember her. I see her. I would just hug that high school senior girl and say, “You are going to be ok.”
So what would you tell your high school senior self?
We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose.-Romans 8:28
It was not God’s timing this second time taking the Bar. I really believed I gave it my all and thought God would pull through for me this time around.
I questioned, “How could this be? God, again!?! Why? How? What do I do now?” Second time was a fluke and now I am stuck again. Extended delay of a dream I have been striving for. Do I give up? Have I been living a joke thinking I, Bianca Leon, will be an Esq.?“
You know who this sounds like Joseph from the Bible. God revealed dreams of greatness for him (i.e. stalks of hay bowing to him, stars bowing to him). But Joseph found himself in obstacles of betrayal, abandonment, slavery, imprisonment for a false accusation, and incarceration. It seemed like this dream was a fantasy than real. But Joseph still believed and held fast to the Lord. And God came through in the greatest way and even beyond what Joseph thought. (Genesis 37-50).
If you take out the slavery, family betrayal and abandonment, sibling rivalry, incarceration, and false criminal accusation, it sounds like yours truly: Trying to reach for God’s vision when it seems far away.
So where do I go from here?
Well for one thing, I am not giving up conquering the Bar exam. It’s just that God has redirected my focus to take another state Bar exam. I have really wrestled with God on what is my purpose to be in Georgia. Well, God in his greatness, has been trying to tell me, “Bianca, I want you here in Georgia to practice law.”My response: “WHAT!?! But I wanted Florida, Lord that is what I thought.” Well no.
You know that feeling when you ask God to get you from A to C but God wants you in B because that is His plan. You are in B but you want C. But God says B. You fight to push God towards C but nope, it’s B.
I have been fighting God for two years to get my way instead of where God had me. I was discontent with Georgia because I had it in my mind to go to Florida. I had this “I am leaving so don’t really care about what happen in Georgia.” What I thought would be a few months become two years…talk about God sending me a message I did not get. But God confirmed his Will for me through mentors, friends, and family. So yeah…Mama B is in the ATL.
Now, I am truly struggling with finding contentment in Georgia. Don’t get me wrong, I am so thankful that I am with my family. They keep me grounded and really love me. But friendships, social life, and being Georgia Bianca has been meh. I have them but there is not the investment and “life” that has been developed. I feel like I am starting over.
So now, I am doing a lot of soul-searching and self-discovery on how to flourish more where God has me planted. It’s time to spread my wings. Put myself out there. Attach myself to good, consistent people and things. Time to readjust, refocus, and restrategize.
There is still a lot of uncertainties and unknowns but God has brought me this far. I take each day one moment at a time. I do what I can. I am setting goals for myself ( will share soon). I will admit some days are hard to face the world being in this season again. But God is with me.
I will end with words of truth, For I know the plans I have for you”—this is the Lord’s declaration—“plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. You will call to Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.-Jeremiah 29:11-13
Bloom: a state/time of beauty, freshness, and vigor; a state or time of high development or achievement; to shine out, to become more apparent or fully expressed or to appear or occur unexpectedly or remarkable quantity or degree
Something beautiful starts from somewhere. A rose starts as a seed that develops to a tiny plant then the rosebud.
With time, water, sunlight, and other resources, the rosebud will develop and bloom into the rose. But without those factors, the rose would not exist.
The same applies in people. We have all started from somewhere. We had to be patient, go through the storm, be pruned, and rise from dirt in order to transform. You and I are beautiful masterpieces and still are works in progress. The growing is not over. We are being renewed and reborn into our blissful best self each day with every season of life.
My new series for April is “The Bloom Series.” It’s SPRINGTIME. The cold, winter has gone and now seeds on the ground emerge as blooms. The struggle always brings something beautiful. So I want to give a garden of knowledge, growth, encouragement, and fun.
I start the series the week of April 7 into the end of the month on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. I will have bonus Sunday posts for Palm Sunday and Easter.