Where I Have Been?

Where I Have Been?

Like a tree, it goes through seasons. There is a time of growth and change. It is green and full of life. The blooms and fruit come forth. It goes through range of reds, oranges, and yellows depending how close they are to the sun. All the leaves fall and die to make way for new growth. 

With me, life has happened.  I was employed for the midterm elections (early voting and election day) as a poll official which was an eye-opening experience. 

Then, after that…I felt stuck. I felt depressed with the season I am currently in. As you know, I did not pass the Bar. At the beginning, I was positive and empowering myself that I will take it again and this won’t break me. 

And then it broke me…

As I started studying again, my spirit felt damaged. I was doubting myself. I just felt stuck. Like God, I am right where I started earlier this year. I am an unemployed, postgraduate studying for the Bar again. 

People I started with made it. And I didn’t make it.

I was depressed and my anxiety made me lower. I had to take a break from social media. And I just stopped blogging. My spirit was not in the right place to write inspirational posts. I don’t want to fake it. It would not be fair to my followers. I want to be as authentic as possible.  So I just stopped…

I did not want to let you all down but I couldn’t go on. I had no inspiration or theme to post about. I wanted to find the peace that surpassed all understanding. I wanted to be content in this season. That this is not the end for me.

I am feeling better. I had to take my own advice: get back in the Word, pray, talk out my feelings, and keep positivity in my life. I am still going at studying for the Bar. I am still living and breathing by God’s grace. I still have purpose.

So my lesson in this struggle is simple: God will not let you go.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”-Joshua 1:9

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.-Isaiah 41:10

It always seems to me like God is watching this unfold but He is not. God knew this before the foundation of the world. He knew that I would not pass the Bar the first time around. He knew that I would be between states once again. He knew that I would need my family to get through this. He knew I would be serving on my church’s worship team. He knew it all.

I have to remind myself that I am not a failure. I’m not dumb. I am still meant to be an attorney. It’s just that my journey is not over. I will get there in His timing by His strength. 

It’s just not my time now. I am still in the autumn stage with beautiful, bright, colorful yet dying leaves. But I know it will spring up into new blooms soon.

So with this season, I will not be posting blogs till Spring 2019 (i.e. after the Bar). I am focusing on Bar studies and myself for the time being. I hope you all understand. I love and appreciate you all for reading. Keep reading my old blogs. Send me a message, follow me on FB, and keep being inspired. God Bless.

Blissfully,

Bianca

27 Years In the Single Oasis

27 Years In the Single Oasis

Every year that I am on this Earth, I like to take an inventory of each single year.

In Year 27, still single. I have graduated from law school (big deal). Yes, I moved back home with my family. I still paint and enjoy myself.

Since graduating, my big question is after the Bar and finding employment, what is next? Love for me is finding a companion and life partner. I really want that. There are days where I feel like maybe this is it, maybe my earthly life will be spent single. The older I get, the more that feeling occurs. It’s kinda like I have given up on finding him and let other people pray for him. I’m so into myself and I don’t know if another person can fit my life.

I know what you are thinking:

“Bianca, aren’t you being dramatic!?!”

“You’re so awesome.”

“You will find him when you least expect it”

“I found my husband at age (fill in the blank)”

and all of the above encouraging responses.

Yeah I hear you but what I feel is what I feel.

I have noticed that my convictions and beliefs truly scare people. I don’t believe in sex before marriage. I have never been in a nightclub or lounge nor do I ever intend to. I don’t believe in hookups, one night stands, or experimenting. If you are with me, we are exclusively together. That alone makes the boys run away from the yard, jump over the fence and sprint as far away from me as possible. Even Christian guys have ran for the hills because I am a clean girl…like too clean..like extra virgin olive oil (what does that mean!?!).

The story goes: The good ones are taken. The bad ones I abstain from. The ones left over…well nothing…just nothing to my liking or his. So there goes my dilemma. 

I am traditional with a modern twist. Yes, I believe in women empowerment but I like a guy to hold the door for me, pay for dinners (the first few), and chivalry. But I also believe in respect..I’m not just a girl looking to get married, be barefoot and pregnant, and forget my career and my personality. I want to be appreciated that I am smart and talented too…no patriarchal roles (I am Man, You are Woman. Make me a sandwich..JERK MUCH!).

I know my worth so I know I can’t settle for anyone. I have waited my whole life for the best even if that means I get married at 30, 35, 40 or beyond. That is something I have decided. I chose to wait because my heart is fragile and important to my well-being. I have seen people in my life whose hearts have been destroyed physically, emotionally, and mentally by a man who says “I Love You.” I could not bear that so I am single: to guard my heart. Call me weird,  too traditional, naive, extra virgin, a clean girl, uptight, not fun.I want the best so I guess I will wait for the best. I will not dim who I am to settle.

I’m not a dry desert of single life but an oasis of one. Life is good but I want more. Who does not want more for their life.? I do. My oasis has my family, my friends, my career (future career), my talents, my extroverted qualities, and good things. It’s all good but where is that male companion for life? Let’s see if Year 28 is the year. If nothing, then I still have my oasis.

Dim

Blissfully,

Bianca

Black Girl Magic

Black Girl Magic

 

I was always told that I have to work twice as hard as an African American female. It’s just the way it is.

The criticisms of black women being welfare queens, ratchet, too much, too loud, too mean, unworthy of a good black man flood the media and society. Like all of us are built like that.

I have been told my hair is different. I have been told by my community and other people groups that I act too white. I have been told, “Bianca, I prefer snow bunnies. I don’t date black women. Y’all are too much.”

But you know what, I choose to live above the stereotypes. I am an extroverted, beautiful, kind, educated, creative black woman. I live according to God’s standards and truth that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I believe in the sanity of marriage; boyfriends do not get husband privileges. I am fun and love to make people happy and inspired. I live a set apart life so I abstain from many things. I love Haitian food and love fried chicken. I did not graduate or attend a historically black college. Not in a historically black sorority. I love all kinds of Pop, Christian, R&B, Hip-Hop music. I worship at a church where I am the minority.

Do my qualifications make me less black? No, because it is my experience. I am living my truth, my magic.

REAL TALK: In my imagination, every black woman who lives out her potential is a queen in her own right. We are diverse, come in all shapes, and sizes. We work with what we have been dealt and make something of ourselves. 

Black Girl Magic is what you make it. This is me. Black people are not the same. We are different. I learned a long time ago that I don’t to conform to man’s opinion of me. I just to be myself unashamedly. Be my own kind of magic…and that’s what I’m gonna be.

 

Imagination

Blissfully,

Bianca

New Blissful Additions

New Blissful Additions

I made some goals for myself for 2018. I am trying to keep better habits for my well-being.

  1. I started tracking my steps each day. I do forget my tracker sometimes..lol but I am starting.
  2. I am braving the cold while running. My family thinks I should run when it is warmer and that running in cold weather is crazy. Well crazy enough to reach my goal. But they are supportive of me.
  3. I am flossing more..crazy right!?! Taking care of my teeth thus taking care of my body.
  4. My skin got really sensitive last year. I tried many products but it just wasn’t working for my face. Believe or not, apple vinegar and olive oil WORKS. I have seen the change in my face. It is clearer and improving. My new skin regime:
      1. After I was my face with Neutrogena soap, I put apple vinegar mixed with water on my face and leave it for 5 minutes.
      2. Wash the apple vinegar/water mix off.
      3. Rub olive oil on the face and let it sit and you are done
  5. I started practicing my lettering skills from an awesome workbook. I am getting better at it.

It is important to carve out time for making your goals a reality. This is my start.

Carve

Blissfully,

Bianca

New Uncharted Territory

New Uncharted Territory

With a new year comes a new season in my life. It was unexpected and my plans shifted. When a plan changed, it meant that I was NOT in control. Life happens; what you expected may not be what results. You adjust and adapt (in between a little pity party…it’s ok, we are human). Shifting from single, independent law student to home-bound post grad can sound like I have failed. But I have not. I did a brilliant thing: I have a Juris Doctorate behind my name. Yes, I am living with my family while studying for the Bar. I am a party of 5. I am learning to adjust. Compromise is key. The unit matters more than the individual. Some days are hard and some days are manageable.  I have free room, board, and food. It is different but it will do for now. It is just new uncharted territory.

Brilliant

Blissfully,

Bianca

Conversations with Yourself

Conversations with Yourself

Don’t worry, this is not any psycho thing. Since it’s been 12 hours since 2018, it is important to have conversations with yourself about what you want to accomplish and do with your life. I’m serious. What do you want to do different in 2018?  Dig deep down and ask yourself what do you want.

For me, I have thought about my goals and dreams for 2018. So I will share mine with you all.

  1. Pass the Bar. To be successful, I am establishing a studying plan and taking Bar classes in anticipation for July. It will not be easy but I can and will do it.
  2. Find a job with the “adult” benefits I deserve. Actively seeking jobs through LinkedIn or Google for temporary legal positions while waiting to sit the Bar and looking for a full-time position for the long haul as well.
  3. Be healthy and active. I have challenged myself to do some form of fitness whether running (through an app), walking, or something else three times a week. I want to take care of my temple. I need to eat better because I am getting older and need to eat better (more fruits and veggies). I also want to do a 5K again. It’s been a while but I really want to.
  4. Refine and grow my creative escapes (i.e. blogging, painting, lettering, etc). I really want to expand my Blissfully Bianca blog (Any ideas are appreciated). I may want to start selling my paintings. I have a workbook to improve my lettering skills so it can be better. I could make a little side hustle with that.
  5. Have and stick to a Bible Reading Plan for the Year. I will be reading Psalms for the year. I want to do an in-depth study on the book and journal my thoughts. I may even blog on that…
  6. Try new things and adventures. I can be a little picky and uniform to my life so I want to mix things up and try new foods, new methods to taking care of myself, etc. I may even try online dating (you never know). I just want to open my mind and heart to places and  people.

What are your goals? It is an open dialogue. No judgments here. Just try to find something you want to do. It can be anything.

Conversation

Blissfully,

Bianca

When the Dream Became Reality

When the Dream Became Reality

” You’re almost there” was my mantra in 2017. Working hard for a law degree can take a toll on you.

There are days where I  felt uncalled, unwanted, and unworthy to this profession.

There were days where I felt my credentials were not enough.

There were days where I was overwhelmed, tired, restless, anxious.

There were days where I wanted to give up.

BUT GOD! Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world (1 John 4:4). I had to remind myself that God did not bring me 375 miles (to be exact) away from my family and friends for me to give up when I am almost there. 2017 brought me success and victory in me attaining my Juris Doctor.

2018 is the Bar and the start of me in the real world as an attorney.  It will not be easy but I am almost there. Almost there.

Almost

Blissfully,

Bianca