My single status usually never bothers me. I know for myself that being single is the best thing right now. I am very conversant in how I live my life as a single person. It’s nothing for me to be ashamed of. I walk in my truth. It’s works for me.
Then, there are some days where I stick out..
Situation: A group of young couples and you talking and laughing.
The couples introduce each other “My name is (blank) and this is my wife/husband (blank).
And me, “I am Bianca”. That’s it. No wedding band or complimenting human being to introduce. You just stick out. You are the single one. The feeling makes you want to crawl back into your single black hole.
I do find my way back to the confident, content, single Bianca but sometimes my single status sticks out.
***A satirical take on my single lady experience externally and internally.
Friend: “Bianca, I am going to a year off. I am going to be single for a year.”
Me Internally “Excuse me!?!”
I am bewildered at the thought that “Miss ‘I can get anyone I want'” just wants a break.
Try being single for 27 years. No prospects.
You think I chose this!?! I know myself really well yet nothing.
I would like to take a break from being single. Take a year to date.
I am quite the catch. Pretty, smart, driven, a Christian…what’s not to like.
But I don’t want to just have short-term flings.
I want something meaningful.
So I will wait again..wait for the right one.
Be single. Again for another day, another week, another month, another year.
A choice I have set for myself.
Externally telling my Friend: Yeah girl. You do that. Take that time for yourself. Single life is awesome.
And I move on…
While single, “let your resume be just as good as the person you tries to make moves on you.”
This is not a competition or a way to look down upon people.” It’s just that as a single person you need to make your own moves in the world. A relationship is an addition to your life, not the sum total.
For instance, I was out of town with my mom and sister. I was sitting in the hotel lobby studying. A guy who walked in started flirting with me. He told me “I’m a “soon to be pro-athlete.” I guess he thought I should be impressed and more eager to talk to him. And some ladies would probably gravitate towards him but not this girl. I happily responded with “That’s nice. I graduated law school and am studying for the Bar.” He seemed puzzled yet impressed. Like “Oh this girl got it going on”. And yes, yes I am.
You see. A football pro did not deter me. I have my own life with my own dreams. My resume was just as good if not better. When you are confident in your greatness, no one phases you. Whether he’s a doctor, teacher, engineer, musician, etc., you’re still good in your own skin.
P.S. He lied. He was a loiter trying to look like he belonged. What a fool I would have been to fall for it.
Turning a new leaf does not always mean all of the leaves.
My leaves of life are ever-changing but sometimes I feel like certain leaves change more than others.
Once again, I find myself on social media seeing wedding pictures and the love between two people. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them. But sometimes I ask myself, why hasn’t my leaf of love been changed? Honestly, there are moments in my life where I am happy and content. I wave my strong, single independent lady flag high. But sometimes I want a companion who likes me likes me. I would like to be treated out. I’m not all about law school and career goals. Sometimes I want to have someone who gives me butterflies…
I know what you are going to say: He will come when you least expect it. Bianca, marriage is hard work, be happy that you are single. Don’t complain..you have a lot going for you. You’re going to wish you were single when you get married. Enjoy your single hood. Etc…
Yeah thanks but no thanks for your “encouragement.” 27 years of waiting gets to you at times. It is not easy. I am human and I have needs too. My flesh is very weak but I will keep holding out for the best that God has for me. It’s just hard sometimes to really be single.
This is not a cry for help (don’t pity me). I am not requesting phone numbers of single men (please don’t..this is not the Bachelorette). This is a honest perspective of a cool, smart, single Christian lady waiting for love in 2017.
We know our family and friends mean well but really!?! If we needed your help and guidance, we would ask. Singlehood is not a sad place if you don’t wallow waiting your soulmate. I live a wonderful fulfilling life as a single person. God’s providence has not lessened or changed because it’s just me.
I asked some of my peers the words/phrases they tire of hearing:
- Oh, I’m sorry.
- *Asks my age*… You should be married.
- You know that’s usually when God brings the right buy along
- It will happen when you least expect it
- Why aren’t you married?
- You’ve got plenty of time
- That’s a shame. You’re such a lovely girl
- You’re not getting any younger. If you wait too long you won’t be able to have kids.
- You’ll find the right one and just know
- God has His plan for you, just wait it out
- If you don’t settle, you’ll never have kids
- Your standards are too high.
- A degree is nice but it can’t love you back.
Your delivery of constant criticism of my relationship status is discouraging and flat out annoying (sorry not sorry). Family and Friends, like I said we know you mean well. If we wanted someone, we would say something. Instead of pitying and criticizing your single peeps, why not ask us about:
- What are you up these days?
- What are your goals?
- What is new in your life?
Single people have lives. We are interesting too. We just want you to love and RESPECT where we are. That is all.
There are things that I need in my daily life. These things are the gate to who I am. They make me Bianca. They make me happy.
- My glasses. I am as blind as bat…so they are the first things I reach for.
- Jesus. The foundation I live by. There is no one better. He does not fail me. He is the hope that makes life worth living.
- My Family. The people who know me better than I know myself. We are truly a unit and I love them very much.
- My phone. It’s sad but true. I need my phone to function whether it be social media, calling home, texting, keeping up with my calendar, etc.
- My creativity. I love painting. It is my creative escape. Whether it be watercolor, acrylic, homebound or going to a painting place, I love expressing myself.
- My education. Knowledge is power. My parents were about Jesus and education. It did not matter that I was female. It mattered what was in my mind.
- Peace of Mind. God gives me the peace that surpasses all understanding. I do not want to give up my peace for anyone or anything that threatens it.
*This post is not meant to delegitimize women who are wives and mothers-it means not every woman needs to think about matrimony and motherhood once out of the womb. This is one lady’s perspective on being overly ambitious: Me.*
Double Standard As A Female Future Lawyer: Why is it that a guy wants a “smart girl” and yet they seem turned off by a sweet, kind Christian lady who wants to be a lawyer (not looking to marry a lawyer but actually becoming a lawyer)!?! Also, consider the double standard of being a lawyer: When a man says he is/is going to be a lawyer, women tend to fall in line to get the chance with him. When a woman says she is/is going to be a lawyer, the line is a desert. WHY IS THAT!?!
Funny Looks: The funny looks I get when I say what I am studying. “You’re too nice to be a lawyer.” “Really!?! A lawyer?” or the occasional “Oh.” It is as if African-American women are not supposed to be a lawyer. We are not second class citizens. We have choices and opportunities to be more than the invisibles. QUIT LOOKING AT MY CAREER CHOICE AS IF I SHOULD BE A STRAIGHT, WHITE MALE.
College Woes: Throughout college, I wanted to date or at least be in a relationship with someone who understood my dreams. To me, the Christian circles I associated with seemed to think I was crazy. Christian guys seemed to be turned off by me. Yes, I want to be a wife and mom but I want to be a lawyer. My dreams did not seem valid to most of them. So I had to learn to accept myself and I hope that a Godly man could come along.
But don’t cry for me Argentina!!! Mama B is good.
I get the same, surprised looks and I still repulse men. There may be respect from the male species but I am not their type. And that is ok. Life is still good. I refuse to be limited and bullied to be less than just because I have more melanin in my skin and have “extra dreams.” I have learned to accept Bianca and allow myself to grow into my God-given purpose. I know amazing women who raise children, work, and continue to push the boundaries, Women should not be boxed into societal gender roles. We should be who we want to be.
Call me weird and crazy but I am Bianca, future esquire. With every day that passes, I polish and transform into the woman God designed me to be. To tell you the truth, I like what I see. If you don’t believe me, just watch.
In our society and even within the black community, black women get a bad reputation. I have been told by black men that they would not want to date a black woman. I have seen comedians, celebrities, and social media folks have their “theory of black women.” Some of society’s opinions of black women include, but are not limited to, too loud, too demanding, too much attitude, too much drama, “just too much,” etc.
Real Talk: BLACK WOMEN ARE NOT BUILT THE SAME.
I know beautiful, smart black women who are not like that at all. I believe we, black women, are brassy: shamelessly bold. We love hard, we work hard, and we hustle hard.
Real Talk: For your information, I do not need to men to validate who I am. So your opinion is not needed.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made by my Creator. I am not perfect but I am not disposable. I am growing into a smart, brassy, African American Princess of the King of Kings. He made no mistake on me. He calls me Beloved. He does not delegitimize my worth based on my color and societal stereotypes. I am shamelessly bold and Blissfully Bianca.
Real Talk: To the critics, deal with the black girl magic or get to steppin cause Mama B don’t need you.
Can Mama B be real with you?
God saved me from some interesting boy crushes in my day especially in high school. There were crushes that I had that were so popular, hot and buff. I was a nerdy, invisible, awkward teenager. I would fantasize holding hands in the hallways, eating lunch with the beautiful, popular kids, having an instant date to prom and homecoming, receiving Valentine’s Day gifts, and so many other couples things. But that was then…this is now.
He’s balding. He did not apply himself after high school. His once chisel, sexy body has been replaced with a gut. He is still believes he is still in high school. He is immature and complains about politics. He picks fights with people on social media. Yet, the nerdy, invisible, awkward teenager is now a social butterfly who is still awkward but better off.
The moral of the story: Buff high school popularity can last for so long.
So even though I am single (and have been for 26 years), I have tried to be a strong, independent, “I don’t need a man,” career girl who loves Jesus, her family, and her friends. I come up with many reasons why I am single and should be single. I wave my feminist flag. I wave the “Jesus is my boyfriend” flag. I wave my “I am woman. Here me roar” flag. Some days I feel great as a single person. But there are some days where I feel annoyed being single.
There are some days where the flags don’t do anything. There are days where the reasons why I am single don’t help. Even encouragement and empowerment from other women do not help. I find myself jiggling and being anxious. Will I find someone? I am just going to be alone like this? Why is there not at least a prospect? Is there something wrong with me? Am I coming on too intense? Where did I go wrong? My jiggling starts turning into an anxious earthquake of emotions.
I know what you are going to say.
- Bianca, God is preparing you in this season for your husband.
- Bianca, a relationship is just so much; believe me, you are better off single
- Bianca, be content
- Bianca, it’s ok to wait..
- You are a great person, Bianca and God has someone especially made for you.
- etc. etc. etc. blah blah
I have heard all of these and then some. But I am being truthful. It is not easy to be single and not fool around. It is not easy when 99.9% of your friends are in relationships or married. It is not easy to see your social media filled with babies, boyfriends, engagement ring selfies, cute couples hashtags, etc. It is not easy where your once single lady alliance decreases because your single friends are finding love while you are STILL waiting. It is not easy to be set apart with the world telling you to let your freak flag fly and experiment. It is not easy…
There are moments when Mama B has “jiggle moments.” My mind moves quick in thoughts of “Is my singlehood permanent?” “What is next besides graduation and work?” I believe it is a normal feeling to have but it should not be a feeling that overtakes and overwhelms.
So to my single friends (wherever you are), it’s ok to hurt and jiggle but don’t let your jiggling be an anxious natural disaster. Keep picking yourself up. We are gonna be just fine.